Finding it hard to write. I've been traveling now for 3 weeks and more. I've seen places, chatted with people, drank a lot of beer, started running again. I feel like I've not stopped moving for some time, even before I boarded that plane. Pretty soon I'll be climbing back on heading back to NY and then California, hopping back onto the freeway and starting another semester. What is this all for? Life is for living, I remind myself as often as possible. Those old expectations are meaningless in light of my new life. I don't know what will happen next. No one does really in the large sense. Certainly some things can be predicted but others remain a mystery until they evolve and emerge before us.
Back into the forest with me then. If I am lost mentally it's time to get lost physically. See where I come out in the end. Is it all still because of the heart? Is that the chief agent in all this? Do I need to shut it off, subdue its constant questioning to get anything done? Or do I join it, listen to it and say yes, that's true, that did hurt you but here are some great new things to consider and take in. The past I am learning is underground. The past is behind and beyond that horizon that is untouchable. The future withholds yet yields eventually to our will, given we still have some to greet what is still invisible. The past is buried, the future is ready to be unearthed. It's always in front of you. And me.
Yea, okay, so it's been a while since I held decent studio hours. I feel like the past year, year plus I really threw myself into a mess. I stretched myself so thin that all I could do was just barely show up. That is not even touching on the true potential I can may achieve in a present state, with presence. I'm done with that, not taking the work seriously, going through the motions. It's not satisfying. It's not productive. It's not respectful to anything or anyone. Am I going to publish this, likely not... just write.
There are a lot of things I want to write about. The Deacon show for one. And the song Magnificent. I also would like to write a script for the de Young video. I am on it! I have all the time I need. Now for just a little list to get me organized, mentally.
- Run ~
- Listen to mom's recording of Lichen
- Edit script lichen ~
- Record czech lichen
- Choose 4 german phrases to learn for tomorrow
- 10-11AM tripod and memory card ~ (new card missing, not delivered)
- Read through lichen and draw up story board
- Look through de Young material and start sketching ideas for a 3 - 4 minute video. (this may be postponed... yes, use this as my Djerassi application.)
- Remaster US
- Draw up story board for US
- Shoot some video
- Write, just write, ramble, and make an outline of the Deacon review
- Write an outline of the Magnificent (song) review
- Write an outline of Hana's story So go on then. Don't be afraid. Failure is imminent. It's what's on the other side that I'm aiming for. Failure is part of the process. Fear or failure is natural. Move through it. But let's try to focus on being present today, here, now, feeling my own two feet on the earth.
- Pedicure! Why of course. If I'm to meet the mayor!
- Listen to German tape. Oh! About the earth, I have begun reading about central eastern european art during the socialist/communist regime and I find it so inspiring. I've decided to make or remake a piece Wednesday and or Thursday it honor of those artists I am just learning about. Add to the list:
- Read more about central eastern european ecological art practices during the socialist/communist regime
- Write a bit or draw about Abrams. This book is really sprawling. Yet amazingly specific to my present mental and creative moment.
..to be continued no doubt. Write it all down.